* * *
Crufts on in the background. It's the agility round and the collies weaving through the sticks are almost hypnotic. He has a feeling that crufts is something a bit evil, why else would it move from the sterility of BBC 1 to the blackness of Channel 4. Remembering that puff-ball dog (that looked close to death) winning a few years back he flicks the channel satisfied that crufts will not have his endorsement. Sportscene. Highlights of the Celtic game had just finished, he only caught the analysis which annoyed him as they'd won 5-0. Now all he has is drawn out descriptions of flashpoints delivers by an ex-Livingston and an ex-St Mirren player. Why do football pundits always wear such shiny shirts? Rangers had managed to win, so he wasn't interested in their match highlights; only their failings provided entertainment. In effect, he supported hundreds of teams, Celtic....and anyone that happened to be playing against Rangers. This week it had been Ross County - he'd even put a bit of money on them at the bookies to make it more exciting. The guy behind the plexi-glass at Betfred had asked him something about 'the Staggies'. Greeted by his perplexed expression he muttered something about 'fucking tims'. It had seemed quite harsh, though I suppose that's what to expect when your team win everything in sight. After the Rangers game there's not much worth watching in Scottish football, so the channels roll on. He's on his third glass of red wine now - that's a full bottle as he doesn't believe in half-glass culture. Just fill it up and get up less often. That's efficiency. There's a very pleasant tingling in his head, trickling down in to the rest of his body - by far the most sensuous and enjoyable stage of alcohol intoxication. Shame it lasts such a short time.
There's some strange show about making pottery on now. It's like The Great British Bake-off but with pots. There is a judge now crying with joy over a contestants pot, and for a moment he thinks he gets it - the emotional impact of a perfectly crafted pot handle. Now this judge is talking about feeling a contestants rim and it all feels a bit farcical. Unbelievable that he was almost in tears over ceramics - get a grip! Then this judge is nearly in tears again when describing the potters' respect for the craft. Somehow this pottery show kind of captured him and it's on until the end - an emotional older woman wins and she cries a lot too. An Asian guy comes last and he leaves in a very collected and stoic manner. Next week they are making toilets - full on flushing toilets. Madness.
* * *
His beard is in his mouth and his cheek is wet. Wiping his face, he can see a small woman gesturing at him aggressively. He had fallen asleep. The Inbetweeners was on and the gesticulating woman indicated that it was very late...or early. Did deaf people have different sleeping patterns? Imagine having to wait till 2am to be able to understand what your TV is saying. I suppose there's the option of subtitles. Maybe there should be a button for the sign-language person to pop up at any time, like they are just waiting prone under your TV waiting to spring up and gesticulate. If that's not a sign for bed, I don't know what is. Night Night!
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